SO. I got like two whole minutes of my boys today, after waiting for thirteen DAYS. NOT THAT I WAS COUNTING EVERY SINGLE SECOND OR ANYTHING.

I'm so in love with them that I do not EVEN CARE that it was two minutes, because Oliver is the most adorable boy on the planet, and Kyle LOVES him

GAH, Kyle's little voice when he said, "yeah, I like it" when Oliver asked if it was okay that he called him his boyfriend. THEY ARE SO ADORABLE, SIGH.

Also, how unbelievable did Kyle look today? The whole slightly unbuttoned shirt thing works so WELL for him

And, ugh, when Oliver closed the door and his voice got all whispery. THANK YOU, SCOTT, I LOVE YOU TO PIECES. And the KISS WAS SO SWEET, MY HEART.

And now I have to go to work instead of re-watching it fifteen times like I'd rather do.

It's going to be a LONG 24 hours until I get my shmoopy Thanksgiving.

It would be so LONELY being obsessed with Kyle and Oliver if not for keepaofthecheez who posts the most AMAZING picspams and lets me yell at her in comments and emails.

I've been wanting to picspam them forever but honestly, she does it so much better than I ever could so I kept talking myself out of it. BUT I've been going through painful withdrawal and I'm keeping myself busy until they show up again on Tuesday by re-watching everything and screencapping.

So here's the first in a series of attempts to show what I love so much about them.

( Part one, the kiss )

That is MUCH better. I've written 12,000 words in the last two days thanks to a day off and a sick day. I also added the original 7300 words to my NaNo document in white (per kikiduck's suggestion) because even though it's not part of the same story, it's 7,300 words I wrote in November, so it counts, damn it.

I still have no idea what I'm writing and if I like any of it, but I think that could change as soon as I get my boys to meet each other and fall in love and be flaily and clueless.

I'm not tired but I should go to sleep since getting up today was close to impossible and I have to work tomorrow.

I'm super jealous of my sister who is going to see the midnight showing of New Moon tonight. I'm not going to see it until Saturday. I don't know if I can WAIT. I need Jacob Black in my life.

Now i'm going to go rewatch some Kyle and Oliver scenes so I can have pleasant dreams.

Warning, GLEE SPOILER:

Matthew Morrison is so fucking SMOOTH

UGH.

I guess I like Hall and Oates well enough. I like She's Gone and Maneater, but I've never given much thought to them otherwise.

I didn't realize that this month Patrick's a guest on Live at Daryl's House and it's amazing. I mean, AMAZING. First, he looks so GOOD, all wee and happy and sweet. And secondly, I have never heard him sound SO GOOD. And he's so fucking modest, like all these jaded old rock and rollers are impressed with this twenty-something musical genius and he's all "I've just been bluffing my way through." PATRICK. WHAT.

You can watch it here and you really, really should. Daryl Hall singing on Fall Out Boy's songs and Patrick singing on Hall and Oates songs. Plus they talk about how Travis McCoy is a huge Hall and Oates fan and it's pretty funny.

On day three, I had 7300 words of something, though I'm not sure what I thought it was. Sometime around day five I gave up on that and started over. I wrote 4,000 words and haven't looked at it since. I should probably say I'm done and giving up, since I don't know when I'm going to have time to catch up, but I'm stubborn and probably won't concede defeat until November 30th when I still only have 4000 words.

This is the first time in four years that I just haven't been able to get into the NaNo spirit. Usually I'm so excited and caught up in it and the story I'm writing but this year I can't think past Oliver and Kyle. I should have taken geneli4's advice and just written something about them.

Maybe I still will. But now I'm in Panera with an hour before work and I don't want to write, I want to re-watch Kyle and Oliver scenes.

I have a new layout. I might be a little obsessed.

I love when people share music because you always get such an insight, I think, into them just from what they're listening to at the moment.

I've been wanting to share some but I couldn't figure out what and then I realized that my Top 25 Most Played list on iTunes is like a crash course in All About Loey, in a weird, kind of fun way.

So that's what I'm sharing.

( 25 most played )

I just got home from work, litterally walked in the door, kicked off my shoes and sat my ass on my sofa because all I want to do, all I have wanted to do ALL DAY is talk at someone about how One Life to Live was the sweetest, most beautiful, adorable, BEST thing I have ever seen in my life.

I'm ten minutes early to EVERYTHING EVER and today I was five minutes late to work because I just HAD (seriously, I couldn't leave my apartment) to rewatch Oliver and Kyle, even though I'd JUST seen it.

I don't even know where to start or what I want to say, but I have never in my life been so smiley or head in the clouds over an episode of television.

I want to dissect the whole thing, screencap it and talk about every facial expression, every look, every touch. For now I guess I'll just spill what's in my brain about it because I'm not exaggerating when I say I thought of nothing else for the eight and a half hours I was at work.

First, and this is going to sound weird, but I really love how it kind of feels like Kyle's holding himself back a little. It felt that way with Nick, and it made sense because Kyle was so badly burned by Oliver that he was gun shy with Nick. But with Oliver it feels cautious, like he can't really let himself go until he knows it's for real. It's so awesome to see, especially in contrast to Oliver who just let go all of a sudden, stepped out of the closet, told Kyle he loves him and can't keep everything he's feeling inside. Like yesterday when he said how he'd been looking forward to their date all day or today when he said he'd rushed home to make sure Kyle was still there, it's all just coming out at once and it's amazing, and sweet and Scott Evans is playing it PERFECTLY.

I cannot believe they gave us shirtless Oliver today. Scott Evans has a damn fine body but you can never tell in the uniform he's always wearing. That whole thing was so beyond perfect I don't even know how to put into words evrything I loved. It went from being funny, when Kyle said "come on Prince Charming, stop combing your hair" to insanely hot with the look on Kyle's face when he saw Oliver went from the shower in JUST A TOWEL OMG. That was so amazingly played by Brett, by the way. The whole thing with them holding the shirt between them was weirdly sexy. And then, when Kyle said they could just stay in, I fell head over ass IN LOVE with Oliver Fish. LOL, Oliver. "We could watch a movie. Or PLAY CARDS." I had the biggest grin on my face, that was the most precious thing I've ever seen EVER. HE'S SO NERVOUS. I love it. And Kyle's "I missed you" was so sweet.

The kisses between them were all at once sweet and hot and tentative and just so beautiful I just wanted to bawl because FINALLY BOYS, FINALLY.

Everything was so sweet and sexy and lovely but I think my favorite part of the whole AMAZINGNESS was the last scene with Kyle and Oliver and their bowl of popcorn and Layla coming in and the three of them cutting each other off talking about the movie and Cristian's "I'm gonna need another beer" and the boys simultaneously holding up their beers, and the WAY KYLE LOOKED AT OLIVER and THEN, Oliver's SMILE when Kyle put his hand on Oliver's thigh. I MEAN, EVERYTHING. It was all SO GOOD.

Except, HO SHIT, I forgot about the scene when Layla and Cristian walked in on them and oh god, the look on Kyle's face when Oliver was all "So what, I'm kissing my boyfriend." That was amazing. AND LOL, Oliver's "WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE, WERE YOU KISSING???" :DDD

I haven't stopped grinning all day, it was so so so GOOD and SATISFYING.

UGH, BOYS. ♥ ♥ ♥

When I was twelve, halfway through sixth grade, my mom took me out of the local public middle school and, with help from my dad's mom (Lois, whom I'm named after) enrolled me at Arbor School of Arts and Sciences, a tiny private school with 86 students (at the time) from Kindgergarten to 8th grade. The sixth seventh and eight graders were one class. In the mornings we'd split up in two, half of us with Craigo for Science and Math for an hour and then switch places and go to Una for Humanities for the rest of the morning. Una was, at the time, in her sixties, a tiny woman with gray hair and pink skin and a heavy Irish accent. She called everyone "love" and was an all around cool woman. I started Arbor one year and one month to the day my dad died. In the span of a year, I went from a bubbly, outgoing kid to 47 years old. I was withdrawn, I'd gained a ton of weight and I was barely recognizable as the same girl I'd been. My mom fell apart when my dad died. She relapsed, after fourteen years of sobriety, and started drinking again. Arbor was thirty minutes from our house and with trying to get the rest of my siblings home, sometimes she'd forget to pick me up. Una would take me home, offer to do anything she could for me. Over the years she never stopped being there for me, through high school, college and when I moved back home to Portland she and I would meet for coffee.

Arbor considers its alumni close family and when they heard about my mom I recieved cards and emails and a lot of support. I just came home from work to an email from Una that said:"I'd love to hear from you. You have a special place in my heart as a fearless nurturer of your siblings. You're right there, with my mom, who very young took loving care of my siblings and me."

I'm going to go cry for a little while now.

But first, have a song I'm really, really loving right now.

Truthfully - Lisa Loeb

iTunes says I've listened to it 254 times in the last four days. Yeah. In my head, it's totally Oliver and Kyle's song.

(36 icons)

I went over to my cousin's house for a good five hours. When I have a day off, mostly all I want to do is lounge on my comfy sofa and do nothing. But I'm trying to be better about spending time with Lisa and her kids so I went over and it was just a really nice evening.

Except all I could think about was Oliver and Kyle and coming home to re-watch today's episode for at least the thirteenth time.

So excuse me for a minute.

( yesterday's episode, in which Kyle does not marry Nick, tells Oliver he's always loved him and they share the SWEETEST kiss )

( today's episode, in which Kyle and Oliver spent ALL NIGHT talking on the roof, Oliver is afraid, Kyle is perfect and they share the SWEETEST kiss )

Seriously, today's scenes didn't even add up to seven minutes, but there was SO MUCH TO LOVE.

In case you need a kick in the pants to watch the damn clips already:




UGH, I LOVE THEM.

My whole life has boiled down to Oliver and Kyle on One Life to Live. I don't know what to DO with myself, everything about them, about the storyline, the actors, EVERYTHING, is so beyond perfect. I loved the angst, I love the tentativeness between them now, the way Brett is so fucking believable as a gay guy who had his heart broken but is willing to try again because he loves Oliver THAT much.

I'm running off to my cousin's house for a little while otherwise I'd post today's AMAZING scenes between them. If you're not watching it, for whatever reason - because you don't like soaps or whatever, please give them a shot. It's so well-written and acted and it's just beautiful.

I am so totally late to the party and I need to be asleep so I can wake up and watch Kyle declare his love for Oliver, but OH MY GOD, ADAM LAMBERT.

I've been in this crazy work bubble so I'm just now hearing For Your Entertainment. It's PERFECT and AMAZING and so fucking catchy, dirty and raunchy and everything I would expect but so much more. He sounds AWESOME.

My favorite lyric has to be "i bet you thought I was soft and sweet" UGH. ADAMMMM.

It's sexy and fun and makes me want to gyrate. A+++ ADAM.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M WRITING FOR NANO. HELP.

I'm off to work and when I get off it'll be November 1st and I'm supposed to write 50,000 words but for the first time I have no idea what I'm going to do. I had a Brendon/Jon Fools Rush In AU semi plotted out but I lost interest and now I have nothing.

SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO WRITE PLEASE.

Happy Halloween, I hope you have an awesome day. I will be at work at the customer service desk, putting out fires. joy.

The schedule for the work week usually goes up on Friday but my manager has a million things going on so it usually doesn't get done until late Saturday. When I called her yesterday to catch up and let her know I couldn't come into work, she asked me if I thought I'd be able to work today, I said yes and she said she'd put me on the schedule. So I woke up a little before one feeling so much better than yesterday but still not a hundred percent and the thought of 8 1/2 hours on my feet at work kind of exhausted me. But I showered and went in only to find out that she's a sweetheart and gave me today and tomorrow off, and re-arranged my schedule so that I'm working mostly mid-morning to early evening this week instead of the normal 3:30 to midnight.

Now I'm home and I'm warm and sniffly and I'm going to sit on the floor, watch a movie and make cards.

I am almost sure that I know what I'm going to write for NaNo this year, except last night I spent a good two hours watching the C1R Live and Raw that Vance Winter and Turk (Melrose) Mason did back when they were the sweetest most adorable couple on the planet and I kind of want to write about their epic romance. Except I think if there's going to be a line, it should probably be drawn at writing RPS about porn stars.

My first picspam for picspammy, challenge 13.

The challenge was to picspam something you haven't picspammed before so have a bunch of pictures of Mark Ballas from Dancing With the Stars and the love of my life. I've been IN LOVE with him since season five when he was partnered with Sabrina Bryan (and went home way too early).

( Mark Ballas and partners )

I have the death plague.

My cousin pointed out that I probably got it from the baby on Wednesday, what with the holding him and wiping his snotty nose and breathing the same air as him.

I woke up yesterday morning with a scratchy throat and by the time I'd made it through 5 hours of work I felt like I was going to die. I was freezing, it hurt to swallow and I had that congested "my whole face hurts" feeling. So my manager let me leave at 9pm instead of midnight and I went home and took some NyQuil and slept like shit, waking up every few hours with my nose dripping. I was going to go into work today even though I felt like a train had run me over but thankfully I touched base with my cousin and she convinced me that was definitely not the best thing for me. So I stayed on my couch in a half doze until I hauled my ass out to Target for meds that seemed to do the trick. Now I'm achey and my nose hurts from blowing it all day and I don't know why I'm not sleeping.

The right thing to do is call into work tomorrow but I have this guilt complex about it. Logically, I know I should take care of my body (as well as spare the hundreds of people I come into contact with on a daily basis) but I can't help feeling like I should suck it up and go in. We'll see how I feel when I wake up.

Today I spent the saddest of all days (next to the day my dad died) with my brothers, Charlie and Will. I hadn't seen Will since last Christmas, and I hadn't seen Charlie since April of 2008.

It was a three hour drive up into the North Carolina mountains and it rained, a heavy, steady rain the entire day.

We had a really nice, bittersweet visit. Will's back at the farm where he's been off and on for the last two years, a home for boys where he's trying to get sober. Charlie lives in very depressing conditions, a run-down trailer in a park outside of town with a 19 year old girl and her two-year old daughter. He's dating a girl with a 14 month old son who spend most of their time there. I spent the hour or so that we were in his trailer absolutely heartbroken for the precious little boy. It was 40 degrees outside, no heat in the trailer and he was wearing a tank top and shorts. He had a very runny nose that his mother couldn't be bothered with wiping and she ignored him when he cried begging to be picked up. So I sat him on my lap, cleaned his face, cuddled him in blankets and tried not to burst into tears.

My cousin Lisa works for an amazing residential treatment program here in Durham that would be perfect for Charlie and I gave him some information about it and left it up to him. I know he's depressed, drinking too much and smoking too much weed and he still hasn't started to heal from my mom's death. I'd love for him to decide to go into the program but from things he's said, I don't think he's ready.

It was just very heartbreaking to see where he's living. I want to just tell him he can come live with me but that won't fix anything.

Despite hating his girlfriend and the situation he's in, I really enjoyed the afternoon. Then we went to Wednesday night service at Will's church and I was on the road by 9pm. I made it back to Durham in just under three hours and I only cried once, thanks to this stupid song that came on as I was driving through Greensboro and I bawled.

I'm home now in bed with the windows open cause it's chilly and rainy and perfect.

My sleep is all fucked up right now. Tomorrow is two years since my mom died, I'm driving three hours to see my twin brothers and I don't know I feel about it.

Distractions are good.

Name a character from one of my fandoms, and I'll give you either (a) three facts about them from my personal canon/fanon, (b) a reason he/she sucks, (c) a reason he/she is awesomecakes, (d) five things that never happened to that character or (e) five people that character never fell in love with and why. You pick the character. I pick the letter.

I've been really sad lately. It could be any number of things. It's not so bad when I'm at work. I like being busy. I like the people I work with, I like being at the store, I'm glad to have something to do. And I look forward to going home, to sitting on my couch, watching mindless tv or playing on the internet. But there's this underlying sadness, this inability to shake myself of this sense of hopelessness.

I'm not on meds right now so that's probably part of it. But I have bursts of productivity which I don't usually have when I'm deep in depression. But the other signs are there; eating too much, a messy kitchen and car, not having energy to take a shower.

The death feelings and thoughts are worse than they've been and that scares me a little. It feels like getting closer to doing something about it and that's what scares me. I can handle the thoughts, it's when they're not abstract and more about making plans that I get worried.

Sometimes it just feels like an up hill battle. I know it's just life and life is hard. Working and paying bills and cleaning and keeping in touch with people and being a responsible adult is just hard. But sometimes it just feels like I keep sliding backwards instead of taking tiny steps up the hill. It feels like all this dirt is falling on my head making it more difficult to get up and out and that's what frightens me, that one day it'll just be too much.

I spend a lot of time staying up too late, lying on the couch like a blob. I have to work at noon tomorrow but right now I'm in bed after spending all night on the couch, not doing much of anything. I could have gone over to my cousin's house. She chewed me out on the phone yesterday for not calling her back and I felt really shitty about it I ended up just bawling at work. I feel a little resentment towards her which just feels stupid. She says I'm isolating myself and I said yes, I am but I didn't know what to do about it and she said, exasperated, just stop doing it. The problem is, I don't actually want to be around anyone. And then I feel really guilty and like a bad person for not wanting to spend my day off with her and her kids.

I just don't have any energy. I feel like I'm drained all the time, the littlest things take so much energy.

It's just a bad patch. It'll go away. After October is over and the holidays are done and the sad death days have gone and Christmas is over. It's just a little while. I have to keep reminding myself that.





I do just want to say that I'm not typing this out to worry anyone, or for 'poor Loey' shit. My head is a very crowded place right now and I have to talk about this. I can't talk to my siblings about any of it, I'm not seeing a therapist right now, and I don't want to share this with real life people. But it has to get out somehow.

The purpose, when I started typing this up, was to share a couple of songs that cheer me up.

haven't met you yet - michael buble

time for me to fly - jonas brothers

here (in your arms) - hellogoodbye

catch my disease - ben lee

real world '09 - rob thomas

boy like me - jessica harp

leaving - jag star

alright - darius rucker

2gether - 2gether

love at first sight - kylie minogue

i'd rather be in carolina - chairmen of the board